I was speaking with a dear friend recently, and we were talking about the way we each view our own “worth” and attach it something. It’s kind of crazy when you think about it.

I have 2 children- LuLu and the Little Man. They are precious- they have imaginations that run wild. We play, we hop around the house like frogs, we imagine a cafe in our backyard where we hold socials for all of our imaginary friends. I could never look at my children and attach their worth to anything.

Why is it so difficult to look in the mirror and do the same thing for ourselves?

We are all worthy.

No strings attached.

You are worthy.

I know this a hard concept to grasp, because we constantly attach strings to our worth. It is very common in society to attach a person’s “worth” to something – an experience, a situation, an outcome. Of course, when we say the words, it sounds ludicrous. But, I distinctly remember (unknowingly) doing this, and I often hear from clients (also many completely unaware) that are attaching their worth to people or things:

* the number on the scale

* the amount of money in the bank account

* the number of clients on the roster

* the way a person looks at them- whether a smile or scowl

…all of these “things” can affect our worth, which in turn affects everything else. Whether a mom is so wrapped up in her children that every last ounce of her worth is tied only to them, or a woman who is so career driven that she never sees family and holidays pass her by, or the juggling working mom who ties her worth to perfection so much that when a ball drops she runs for medicinal help or chocolate…self-worth can be a tangled mess when you attach strings to it.

Here are some questions to consider:

What happens when my children grow up?

Who am I if I lose my job?

What if my business fails?

What if I am not the size I was in college?

Am I not worthy?

Of course you are! Our essence, who we are each born to be, is not attached to any “thing”. No matter what situation life or experience throws at us, no matter what test we are given, we still are worthy. Even when we don’t feel like it, even when we want to crawl in a cave and hibernate, we are each whole, complete, capable, resourceful, talented people. But often, that picture gets muddled in the wake left behind by life’s experiences.

Let Experience Fuel and Teach

Experiences can be beyond our control. It’s hard to separate ourselves from the experience and not somewhat attach our worth to it. But we must. Experience can be used to fuel a fire for the greater good, to teach yourself something, or to teach others. Of course, we each can have moments of feeling down in the dumps. Let the moments last as long as they may, but don’t allow the experience to define you or your worth.

Remember, most of the amazing movements in the world were born out of strife, terrible experiences, that came full circle and were a catalyst for change- often unplanned, but there is a contagious energy from passion and authenticity born out of a lesson learned from a life experience.

Be Who You Were Born to Be, Do Not Focus on An “Outcome”

When we focus on “outcomes”, it affects our worth-

* getting a promotion or not

* opening a business or not

* garnering approval from family or not

* getting recognition or not

* a boyfriend loving us flawed and all or not

* and the list goes on …

All of the outcomes of these scenarios can easily affect how one feels. Thinking about the “outcomes” first, also affects the path we take. For example, in my 20’s I would sometimes think, “If I wear this outfit, then tonight I will probably meet someone.” Little did I know my future husband would fall in love with me while I was wearing baggy old sweats and my hair in a knot on top of my head.

I hear from people all of the time who choose a path solely because he/she thinks it will garner the desired outcome. To which I now respond, “what is that outcome for you really about?” Because I’ve learned, it is never about the outcome. We must delve deeper than that, and do that which makes our soul stir, that which helps others, that which uses our unique gifts to serve the world…and then the “outcomes” do not matter.

Realizing Our Gifts Without Strings Attached

Each of us has unique gifts, that, even when no one is around, even when we are bare with nothing in our bank account, we have gifts that need no outcome, no accompaniment.

The ironic thing is, many people chase the desired outcome, and along the way, stop using their gifts. And then the outcome never comes. When we simply use our gifts, people flow into our lives, doors open, experiences happen that are even bigger than we could have imagined.

Learning by Letting Go of Every “Thing”

I learned I was worthy without strings attached by letting go of almost every “thing”. After some financial issues years ago, we sold our home, turned in our vehicle, auctioned off our wedding china, many of the “things” that typically define a person- we shed.

I remember crying, sobbing one day while my baby Lu napped. I prayed to God for an answer, and He told me to write. Writing is something I’ve done practically since birth. And, for some reason, I didn’t even feel worthy of picking up my pen at that time.

Grabbing whatever scrap piece of paper I could find, I started jotting down my thoughts. In that moment, I realized God was telling me it would be alright, to carry on, to continue the work I was doing. We must use our gifts to serve the world. And, a whole new chapter emerged, a peace came over me, that no thing or outcome could ever deliver. It was like the intense love I feel when I hold my children, kiss my husband, see a baby giggle, have a heart to heart with my mom, spend time with my dad, or witness a person truly smiling- that peace stayed with me and I let His love guide me back…I remembered that faith was my anchor- that I am worthy (no strings attached) because I am a child of God.

Every single person, regardless of circumstance, past history, race, color, religion, every single one of us is worthy. Find your anchor in faith, and today, free yourself from the strings that you are attaching to your worth. Choose to look everyone you pass in the eye, listen, share, connect. Be joyful. Laugh. Play. Release fear, ignite your spirit, use your gifts, your talents to help others regardless of any “outcome”, and your light will shine bright.

LuLu asked me if she could begin ballet classes. This made me recall an incident in a coffee shop years ago where I overheard some mothers talking in front of their daughters about ballet photos.

One mother warned the other, “Make sure you pay the extra $10 to airbrush your daughter’s fly-away hair and skin. I did my daughter’s last year, and they came out amazing.”

It surprised me to hear this, although I know that in the “real world” women are hard on themselves. It’s hard not to be, with the impossible standards women have to deal with, in magazines, on tv, in the countless number of self-help books saying we must be more perfect. But overhearing this conversation made me realize that these standards are now trickling down to our children at younger and younger ages.

So, I started to think about the pressures my Lu will be introduced to, very soon. I’ve always known that it’s my job to give her a good, solid foundation of confidence and self-love from the inside-out. And now, more than ever, with her mentioning ballet classes, it’s hitting home.

After all, I love every bit of her, and so should she. Even with my Lu’s wild mane of curly locks, fly-aways galore, I couldn’t imagine even wanting to airbrush them out. Honestly, aren’t those the things we look back on with a smile?

I distinctly remember my first ballet photo. My hair was a bit of a mess and I didn’t wear a drop of make-up. My mother was in the hospital, and she was the only one I would allow to do my make-up. “No mommy, no make-up!” I said. I adored my mother, and still do.

But loving our daughters is not enough. They have to see us love ourselves. Parenting happens best when we are “being” not “telling”, “doing” not “saying”. Experience is the greatest teacher. So, if I am to stay true to setting a solid self-love foundation, I must always practice self-love. I must continue to be confident and strong. My daughter must not hear or see me pick apart myself, and in order to do that, I must simply not pick myself apart. I must love myself as I am.

This is my promise, my pledge to my little girl entering the world and my Little Man who is still only 2- but time travels fast and soon he will be, too. Here are some of the things I must do to keep this pledge, that will teach both Lu and the Man to love themselves and be the person they were each born to be.

Take Care of Myself

Moms need self-care, too. This means eating well, moving our bodies, taking time for little indulgences (even as simple as a long, hot bath). I work with thousands of women, most of whom do everything for everyone else, and find very little time to practice self-care. Our self-worth is molded from the day we are born. Daughters soon become mothers. If we’re constantly told we’re not good enough the way we are, then we naturally begin to feel unworthy, and take less care of ourselves, and this trickles to everyone else in our lives. But if we feel fabulous, it helps everyone in the family feel fabulous. I will take care of myself so I can be the best mom and example to my children.

Put People Above Things

Success in my life means much more than a career or financial gains. Much of how I measure success is by love- how much I can give and receive. It’s really all there is (who said that, Lennon?) But, when we give of ourselves, we actually are giving more to ourselves. We giveourselves a richness in spirit, a feeling of self-love and value. This leads to abundance in all areas of our lives. I want my children to be givers, to give to the world, to value our family and friendships and strangers on the street. To teach them this, I will put people first above the material things. I will help others, lend a hand, an ear, spare change, or time. I will communicate. I will connect.

Love the Flaws: Mine, Theirs, Everyone’s

Home should be a safe place, where we can let our hair down, wash off our makeup, and just be ourselves, embraced for who we are as individuals. After all, our unique beauty is in our flaws- inside and out. I must love mine, I must love my children’s, and I must love everyone’s. If Lu or the Man see me being harsh on myself or others, they will in turn look at themselves harshly.

Live with Passion, Purpose, Intention

When we live with passion, purpose, intention, then confidence just sits comfortably in our heart. There is no “trying” to be confident. We just are. I have a purpose here on this earth. We all do. Sometimes we can get “bogged down” in the burden of finding our purpose. I think it unfolds naturally when we live with passion. Purpose may evolve, change, and even if we don’t know our purpose fully, we can be passionate about life and all its twists and turns. I will live with passion, believe in my purpose, and live with intention. Teaching this to my children is in and of itself one of the greatest gifts I can give them, as my parents gave to me.

Be a Visionary and Follow Through

When we have dreams,visions for our life that we put into motion, our confidence comes naturally from within. I know many times mothers and fathers put their “visions” and dreams on hold to be care takers. But I believe we must still have dreams and visions. I’m not talking about haphazardly chasing a crazy dream. I’m talking about using our natural talents, our unique gifts. So, for me, this means I must take inspired actions and risks, be fearless and believe in our power. I must have faith. I must pray and meditate- both speak to God and listen. This will teach my children that they can dream and achieve anything they want. Just even reaching small goals, creating small changes is a boost in our confidence, so we can reach bigger goals and create bigger changes.

Fail and Make Mistakes and Learn and Try Again

Sometimes failure can be discouraging if we let it stop us. Why must I fail if I want to teach my children self-love and confidence? Because if I fail, and I have an amazing opportunity to learn and grow. When we believe in ourselves enough to try again, self-love is without question. I will teach my children that they can fly. But like a baby bird, they will fall a bunch of times, maybe even break a wing. Then, eventually, with practice, by failing, learning from mistakes, and tenacity…they will soar.

We put up our tree last week. I love the whole process- pulling out the ornaments we’ve collected over the years, the kids jumping around us, fighting over who gets to hang the decorations and where things should go.

Putting up the tree itself takes about 10 minutes. There are 3 parts that snap together, and the lights are pre-strung so that is the simple part- usually. Earlier this year our basement flooded, and when we put the tree together, we realized none of the lights worked. Michael tried everything, but there was no saving the lights. The wiring was all rotted from the inside.

Back to the basement, the hubby found a set of colored lights and did a quick wrap around to see if we liked them. Of course, LuLu and the Little Man were all in favor of colored lights! Lu said, “Mommy, those lights are WAAAAAYYYYY better than the other ones we had last year!”

The lights did have a magic to them, a little larger, and the LED light has a nice glow. Approval by all.

So, the hubby said, “What do we do? Do I just string them over top? The old lights are strung between every branch.” I smiled a smile that made my husband cringe. He knew stringing them over top was not the answer, although a quick fix.

He took the tree apart, and we each decided to work on a tier. The unstringing party began at about 9am. At first, I know he wasn’t really happy about doing it. He even offered to pick up a new tree at Home Depot. Another quick fix. We both knew that wasn’t the answer. The tree was barely 4 years old. So, branch by knotted branch, we removed every single light from the tree carefully so we didn’t pull out branches or faux pines.

The situation brought me back to when I was a little girl: we had to match color coded branches to a thick steel pole, we never had all of the branches in one spot of the attic, and putting up the tree took hours.

Lu and the Little Man began cheering us on- they couldn’t wait to get to the ornaments. The anticipation was priceless. Still, it was definitely an exercise in patience. I kept saying silently to myself “aretae”, or patience is a virtue. And, when my husband would breathe an extra-loud huff, I reminded him how beautiful it would be when we were done.

Something about stringing the bright, hopeful colored lights over top of the broken ones didn’t sit well with me. I felt like there was a message this tree was giving us. A message of authenticity, of change, of working hard, of patience, and ultimately, after almost 4 hours of taking the lights off, appreciation.

The tree decorating began at 1pm, and lasted throughout the day. When it was done, I took a step back in awe of our beautiful tree that almost made us all rip our hair out. Michael and I agreed it was so worth it.

I remember years ago, whenever I had a problem, I would stew on it forever. Call up every one of my friends, ask for advice, vent, circle back and forth and up and down trying to figure out the answers. The problem would take hostage of my brain, and it was all I could think about until there was some sort of resolution or so much time had passed it faded into the background of my mind.

I can’t imagine how many hours I wasted. I was so wrapped up in my own world — just a tangled mess. As I got a little older, and the problems got a little tougher, somewhere, somehow over the last decade, I learned a profound lesson:

When life hands you lemons, make someone else lemonade.

Whether it’s volunteering with Enchanted Makeovers, or helping a friend organize her office, or paying for a stranger’s cup of coffee – just connecting with the world around us in a positive way can almost immediately lift our spirits. Honestly, I can’t remember exactly when or how this dawned on me, or just by virtue of experience it became a lesson, but truly when I realized I should step outside of myself, help others, and stop wasting time on empty worrying, my whole world changed.

The sun seemed a bit brighter. The clouds became more beautiful. The rain, which once symbolized despair, turned into a blessing, a cleansing, a soulful dance. Of course, I am human. And, there are times that I have to vent out with tears or talking, but where once in my life it took forever to get over, now it is just moments.

And, although I am writing about it, the proof is in the action. This is something that words really can’t teach and money can’t buy. We find ourselves in others; we find our unique gifts when we have nothing else left but those to use.

We Eat How We Live

The Food-Life Connection

“We are indeed much more than what we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are.” ~ Adelle Davis

When my mother, sister-in-law, and I opened our fitness centers in 2001, we had no idea what to expect. My mother was a hairdresser turned realtor turned gym owner who had never before had her own business. I had worked for a pharmaceutical company, and my sister-in-law was an interior designer. Our skill sets were mixed, but we had one thing in common: our love for helping women. My mother is a nurturer. She listens, empathizes, and drops everything to help anyone. When she was a realtor, she often would try to talk people out of buying homes because of the water in the basement or the noisy neighborhood or the crack in the foundation (and then she’d feel terrible if they went ahead and bought the place anyway). She looked at every client as a member of her own family. Because of this, she had to leave the business. She had also developed tendonitis in her legs that was so bad she could barely walk a few feet without pain overtaking her.

My sister-in-law is a helper, a confidant, an advice-giver, a problem-solver—and as icing on the cake, she has a keen Stacey London-like sense of style. Danielle is my go-to wardrobe consultant. At the time Danielle and my brother were engaged. Rich was my antithesis when it came to working out. He owned a fitness center and actually won the title of Mr. World Fitness. He has several certifications in personal training, nutrition, massage therapy, and exercise physiology. He was the first person to turn me on to health, and taught me everything he knew about nutrition and fitness when my health was at risk with borderline diabetes. It was a huge wake-up call for me, and so I forced myself to go to the gym (kicking and screaming) and eat healthier foods. The diagnosis actually made me realize something else – how little I actually practiced self-love. Sure, I preached it. I was “girl power” all the way in college. I believed we should love ourselves no matter what (and still do believe that!). But when I found out I was having blood sugar issues, I went to a nasty place of negative self-talk. I would never say the things I said to myself to anybody else. The light bulb moment led me to my brother, seeking his guidance to begin nurturing myself in a healthy, balanced way. I took Rich’s advice on fitness and nutrition, listened to my own inherent wisdom of practicing self-love, swore to my mother that I would never ask her if my butt looked big again, and set out on a quest to live a life in balance. Releasing weight happened almost naturally, no longer as my “goal,” but more of a benefit to making a personal commitment to living well.

It was kind of ironic, and a bit shocking. I had always searched for some kind of “magic pill” to take off weight. But I learned there was no magic: eat healthy foods in moderate amounts, and move regularly. There are diets that promise rapid results, but the test is in turning the diet into a way of life. And, really, if rapid results mean feeling deprived, exhausted, or focused solely on a number, what good are they? I’d still be unhappy whether I was a size 4 or 44. If what you are “trying” doesn’t make sense for you in the long term, if it’s not a good fit for who you are or doesn’t make you a happy, joyful version of yourself, then you’ve got to make a change. It isn’t worth losing weight if you also lose the joy of living. The “magic” is in the commitment. That’s something that already lies within you. Commit to be the woman you were born to be. Commit to the little girl inside you. Commit to vitality, not just weight loss. When you do, you will see a change in your body, health, and spirit.

I felt like I had the beginnings of a secret, an inkling that there was something more for us women to focus on other than the scale and the size of our jeans. It seemed like God opened my ears to hear my calling, because I couldn’t go anywhere—a nail salon, a restaurant, a doctor’s office—without hearing women agonize over their weight or their stressed-out lives. I felt like I had a secret that I just had to share: We don’t need to spend all this time worrying! We can enjoy life instead and live well! Although I was still learning exactly what that meant and how to do that, I wanted to share this message with women and reinforce it for myself. I also loved helping women, and since we all tend to teach what we so most need to learn, I loved (and still do) helping women with their self-esteem. I’m a girl’s girl at heart, and have always wanted women to live to their full potential. I have been writing about the meaning of life since I can remember! When I graduated college, I had the Eleanor Roosevelt quote, “The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams,” printed on my invitations and written in red icing on my cake. (Later, I’ve even had that same quote painted on my daughter’s nursery wall). Even though, at the time, I still had some issues with my own self-esteem, I always wanted women to feel good about themselves.

So, when my co-worker, Julie, told me that she and her mom owned a Curves franchise, I realized I had found an opportunity to help women live a healthy, happy, life, and follow their own dreams. I was intrigued for many reasons. First, I had spent most of my life on some sort of diet. I finally was able to control my weight, but for years I was on the dieting roller coaster. My highest weight was over 265 pounds, and I was down 100 pounds since that time. Second, I hated working out, and although the thought of a 30-minute full-body strength training and cardiovascular workout seemed impossible, it definitely was right up my anti-gym alley. Third, I thought it could help my mom with her tendonitis and perhaps be a business for us all, as it was for Julie’s family. So, the three of us ventured out to their Curves, which was actually quite the distance from our homes. We joined, and we were hooked right away—and my mother’s tendonitis started improving. Before going to Curves, she struggled to do simple things like food shopping or go to the mall. This was the first workout my mom not only could do, but also wanted to do. With the upbeat music and friendly environment, my mom found a gym where she felt comfortable. Danielle and I felt the same way. Before we knew it, we were on a plane to Waco, Texas, to learn all about business ownership from Gary Heavin, the founder of Curves. With my father and brother cheering us on, helping us get our facilities ready, it became a true family business! Within a year, we were opening franchises of our own. Little did we know how much our lives would change, and that we were on the path to helping thousands of women change their lives as well.